I’ve had my dreams come true in several aspects of my life. I’ve done things that I don’t think still register as a satisfying accomplishment. I’ve experienced this kind of fear, that sort of happiness… What more could be out there?
Obviously, there’s millions of options and potential for a million more after I take a step in one direction. I’ve been thinking about “interactive fiction” and how I enjoyed the few “Choose Your Own Adventures” that I’ve read. “Which Way” do I go book? Give me a list of options! Let me cheat though, see a few pages ahead and avoid the snake pit ending. Let me go into the castle’s ballroom and mingle with the scientists running this crazy place. They’ll surely have options for what I can do next.
A blank piece of paper has the most basic options… draw or don’t. What to draw is the “choose your own adventure”. Do I have a job to do? Do I have only this sized page to work on? Do I only get three colors? Does this need to please someone? Will I be getting compensated for this? How long do I have?
I like deadlines. I like a limitation. I like working in a tidy confined area. I want focused and clear directions to go in. Maybe a way to back up to the fork in the road, if things get too hairy. How many pages do I need to go back to get somewhere safer?
I feel like I’ve got a big heavy toolbox at my disposal too. I can read and write, I can sketch and draw, I can layout and design, I can listen and learn in order to acquire more tools. I can go in a lot of different directions. Am I like a creative journey-man? Need a poster for your event? That’s like putting up drywall to me. You need artwork for your card game? Great, I know how to do gutters, soffit and siding. I don’t do windows… because I don’t know how. Yet.
My dad has been a residential and commercial sub-contractor his whole life. “Feast or famine” echoes in my brain. I get that fear of needing another job after the current one is done. Geez, maybe there should be more foresight and while working on one, maybe hustle for the next 2 or 3. I was not taught how to do my father’s job. I learned how to help him, hand him the right tool, hold up a piece a material while he screws it into place, how to travel and read a map. We didn’t discuss how to get jobs. How to hustle and work for the right people. How to not screw yourself over. How not to be too nice. How not to overspend. I never learned how to manage money the way my mother knew how to. I just knew that she knew how to do it better than dad and despite that, they still went bankrupt when I was in high school. I was learning from example, what not to do. I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. I don’t like the line of work. Pshaw, I’m an artist! I can’t get my hands fucked up. (Shouldn’t have tried skateboarding at 40).
On a birthday, a dozen years ago or more, I was on a celebratory psilocybin mushroom trip alone and had a profound realization my work ethic and my spatial problem-solving abilities are carried over from my father. My mother was no slouch in these areas either, but I was on a specific father and son bonding wave. It gave me so much to be grateful for. It was a breakthrough that I didn’t know I needed, but it really helped me understand how he and I were alike. I could see the paths and ways he took to do things and how it was similar to the way I worked. Fascinating stuff for sure!
I’ve been away from a regular full time J.O.B. for a year and a half now. It’s the best time I’ve had, but it’s also been the scariest time in my life. Not to mention half of it was me being scared my love Rachel was going to die of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The fear now is finding acceptance from an audience as the talented artist I am and financial reward while doing it. Also the fear of my own mortality.
What the fuck is next?!! I’ve got the tools to take on a lot of what can come my way. I got a lot of experience in this, that and some other thing to help me get though multiple situations. What is going to come my way? Do I need to step out and see what I can run into or what will run into me. Where, oh where has my little life gone? Where will it go?
Lots of fertile pondering in here. You do indeed have many talents. As you continue to push them into the world, the universe will work with you to make the magic happen.